Well, the little girl and I are making it. She is getting the hang of things more and more each day which has given me hope that in a few weeks, all will be back to normal~at least a new normal that is. It was touch-and-go for awhile there but over the weekend, things started clicking more and I felt I could continue. I knew I had to add in all of my other responsibilities this week like carpool, school, cooking everyday, cookies/brownies on Wednesdays, and generally living life with 4.5 kids, so it was encouraging to know she was becoming manageable. Today it felt good to be back in a routine again. God's grace is sufficient.
Lots of things have been on my mind lately. Many of them I cannot write about but, I can say that God has been working me over, literally, for a few months now. I'm such a fighter and so sometimes I will fight and fight and fight. When I finally come to the end of myself and get a good look at my heart, I realize once again that sometimes there isn't a thing I can do but let go. I can't change circumstances. I can't change people. I can't necessarily even reveal truth. I can only trust that God has not forgotten me...
"Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant; I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44: 21-22
Last week I hit a bit of a wall. I usually do at this point in the semester-every semester. The end is near but not quite near enough. It was a perfect storm. I'm getting more pregnant. And as much as I forget about the state I'm in, my body hasn't and it's slowly winding down more and more as the weeks go on. Steve was really busy, even though it was his Spring Break, and my resolve to keep trucking on through met its match in potty training Elliana.
But life is made up of a lot of little decisions. Sure there are big ones too but ultimately, the things that matter are stacked up over time. And Thursday morning I wasn't in the best of shape. Steve sent me out for a few moments by myself (I hadn't left the house in three days due to potty training) and I came back in tears. There I was, haggard from a few intense days with Elle and worn down from outside circumstances beyond my control, and he just pulled me up into his lap and let me sob reminding me that I needed to let go and lay down my will to fight. "God will care for us, Nikki." As I explained to him all the things I was just plain mad/frustrated about, he held me close and gently reminded me that everyday I had a choice. Would I be angry or would I trust in One who knows my frame and who also knows all?
I needed this gentle push back on the right track.
It's a little decision. Lay down. Give up. Stop fighting. I can't change everything, even the things I think shouldn't be. Sure things might be unfair. Sure they may be wrong or unjust. This is just life.
But God has not forgotten me.
This I know. And I can trust Him.
It may have been an emotionally taxing week but, I'm trying to just put one foot in front of the other with little decisions. Don't worry about next week. Worry about now.
God has not forgotten me. I can let go. I can stop fighting what I can't change and let Him fight for me.
And that is this week's Monday Report.