Friday, December 21, 2012


Today is the last day before Christmas Break.  The husband has been grading finals non-stop for days, in preparation for closing the books this weekend and my older boys all had Christmas parties to end out the year and ring in the coming celebrations.  I feel like I've been on the edge of my seat waiting for this break.  I need to get the baby on a better nap schedule.  That's not easy to do when I'm shuttling kids to school every morning.  But if I can get him into a better rhythm on break then that will carry through once the driving starts again.  I need to catch up on things around the house due to a month of feeling malaise and the general craziness of Christmas.  And I need to just rest.  Rest my mind, rest my heart and rest my spirit.  What better time than to do it over vacation?

Last night Steve and I had a brief talk before bed about the coming year.  So many things on the docket.  The main thing is our family making it through to Steve's graduation from Texas A & M in May.  It's been three years of running this race.  After this brief rest, I feel myself ready to gird up my loins for running the final miles in this marathon. But I also feel myself tiring.  Tiring of the pace, tiring of the cheering, tiring of the ups and downs and tiring of the single parenting.

I knew I'd get to this point.  Part of it is simply being able to have a taste of what's to come.  The other part is just ordinary weariness.  All of it though, needs to be laid down.  Sometimes, amidst me fighting with my heavy load on my back, Steve will look at me and say, "Lay your burden down.  Just lay it down."  I don't know why I fight so hard sometimes especially when God tells me to lay it down.  I feel like if I don't fight then I won't succeed or someone I love won't succeed.

I've got a lot of dreams.  Those dreams are what have helped sustain me over these past three years.  Now that things are starting to wind up, it's been interesting to see what God is doing with those dreams.  I don't know the path He has for us.  I don't know all of the details.  But I do know that when we commit our path to the Lord, our plans succeed because they are His plans.  So I'm trying to let go and see where He leads.

Whenever I'm on the edge of something in my life, I always mull it over, think of every detail and stress over it.  It's hard not to.  But truly, I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride.  With the birth of every child I have done this.  I've grown scared as their birth approached of all that could go wrong and about the unknowns of the little one inside.  Every child that is but Nathan.  With him, since I knew he was probably my last, I chose to believe that no matter what occurred when he was born, who he turned out to be or how the whole thing came off, I would enjoy it.  I would simply enjoy the process and not worry (I can't say I never worried but, I didn't worry much which is saying a lot for me).  His birth, and the recovery from his c-section was by far my best.  I just enjoyed the process.  And I've enjoyed his infancy the most of all my children.

That's what I want to do now.  We've got one semester left.  I know someday, when we're on the other side of this and big life decisions have already been made, that we'll look back on these days with fondness.  I know it.  Because God always directs our steps.  Always.  And even in difficulty, His plans are beautiful and oh so perfect.

Last night I told Steve I was ready.  I was ready to let go of where we are now and to embrace what is to come.  I'm ready.  I'm ready to fly.  I'm ready to enjoy the fruit of our labor and I'm ready to have him back in our lives on a regular basis.  I'm ready for us to learn a new normal.  I'm ready whatever it all means.  These past years have brought much fruit and have been sweet.  But I'm ready to put this all aside and to spring forth into something new.    

We've worked so hard for this moment in time.  I don't want to fritter it away in fretting.  And I don't want to just get through.

I want to see it.  I want to taste it.  I want to bask in it.  I want to live it.

I want to live it even if it's unknown.  I simply just want to tangibly live it. 

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Online Shopping, Stubbornness and Weakness {Three Very Unrelated Yet Related Things}

Welp, Christmas is off to the races here.  We've got paper snowflakes, we've got wrapping paper, stocking stuffers, advent wreaths, school parties, advent calendars, Luke 2 recitations, paper chains and presents, presents, presents!  I did an amazing thing this year that saved me so much time and stress-I shopped almost exclusively online!  Yes!

Now if you know me well, you will know that I am totally and utterly opposed to changing my ways.  Sometimes this serves me well.  Sometimes it does not!  So much so, that I balk and mock such things like iPhones, texting, facebook, etc. until I simply must update and join the masses.  I eventually have to give in but usually not without dragging my feet!  However, since I'm fashionably late like this in so many areas (except in actually being late to events-in that I'm usually punctual), I always figure I'll catch up someday but until I must, I stick to my ways, no matter how inefficient.  This is stubburnness at its greatest by the way.  Total irrationality dressed up in dignity!  Ha!

By the way, I just got an iPhone a month ago.  Before that we didn't even have texting on our cell (and we're so stone ages that we share a cell phone-yes, we do).  And yes, it took me a few weeks to learn how to use the phone.  And I still write texts that are entirely too long!  I just refuse to "talk" texting talk!  It must be English people!

But I digress.  Back to online shopping.  In theory I'd love to go out to the stores, look at everything, feel everything and then pick something out that I know will light the faces of my children up.  But listen, I simply don't have time for such shenanigans anymore.  I just don't.  So instead of grinding my heels into the sand yet again, I turned to online shopping out of desperation and lo and behold, it won!  It's not that I've never bought anything online before.  It's just that I never did all of my Christmas shopping online.  This year, that's pretty much what occurred.

Just like Facebook, texting and the iPhone.  I've been won over.  I'm just fashionably late to the whole deal.  So shoot me eh?!

Onto other news.  This last week has marked a significantly wonderful increase to my overall health.  I don't know what was ailing me for about a month BUT I am happy to say that it is finally running scared.  Today I feel pretty normal.  Yesterday I did too.  It's amazing how we take our health for granted.  I can't tell you how many times I shuddered when I realized that many people schlep themselves through life on a daily basis not feeling well!  And really, I could easily be one of them.  It's an entirely difficult and discouraging thing to wake up morning after morning feeling zapped of energy before your feet hit the floor.

To be honest, I think God was really trying to teach me a lesson.  And He may not be done yet.  I am a creature that relies heavily on her own youth and strength.  I think most busy moms do.  I also have a huge difficulty in asking for help.  This combination can be deadly by the way.  I don't like putting other people out and I feel like my kids are my sole responsibility.  And these traits are good.  No one likes a mooch.  But sometimes, we are just weak.  Sometimes, we need to look around and ask others to care for us.  I think there is a difference in taking advantage of other people's kindness and just simply needing a real, honest to goodness rest.  We are called to work hard but when our legs give out beneath us, it's okay to reach for those around us.  Being strong by ourselves is about pride.  As a dear friend said to me recently, "Don't refrain from asking for help because you don't want people to think you can't do it.  That's pride.  Cut that out.  Be weak and ask for help!"

She loves me.  I took her criticism well, don't worry.

So I asked for help.  A few times.  It hurt my pride to do it.  But I literally had no other choice.  And I'm thankful that my body seems to be bouncing back.

Well, my littles are all waking up from their sleep and I've got piles, PILES of laundry to take care of all while making dinner. Hmmmm....I better sign off.

It felt good to let my fingers fly a bit.  I've missed all you people.  Hope you're doing well and that you're enjoying the Christmas season!

Talk soon....

Friday, December 14, 2012

Sick (Or Why I Haven't Been Blogging)

It's been two whole weeks since my last post!  Two whole weeks!  I almost can't believe it!  I haven't been trying to neglect you all but up until just recently, I have been quite sick.  And many other crazy things have been going on amidst my mysterious sickness.  I believe I am doing better and will be back to fairly regular programming soon.

Missing my words but glad for the past few weeks of rest when I've been able.

Lots on my mind.

Will get to my thoughts soon.

Until then, stay warm, love those around you, meditate on Christ and the Advent Season, and be well.

Merry Christmas!