Today is the last day before Christmas Break. The husband has been grading finals non-stop for days, in preparation for closing the books this weekend and my older boys all had Christmas parties to end out the year and ring in the coming celebrations. I feel like I've been on the edge of my seat waiting for this break. I need to get the baby on a better nap schedule. That's not easy to do when I'm shuttling kids to school every morning. But if I can get him into a better rhythm on break then that will carry through once the driving starts again. I need to catch up on things around the house due to a month of feeling malaise and the general craziness of Christmas. And I need to just rest. Rest my mind, rest my heart and rest my spirit. What better time than to do it over vacation?
Last night Steve and I had a brief talk before bed about the coming year. So many things on the docket. The main thing is our family making it through to Steve's graduation from Texas A & M in May. It's been three years of running this race. After this brief rest, I feel myself ready to gird up my loins for running the final miles in this marathon. But I also feel myself tiring. Tiring of the pace, tiring of the cheering, tiring of the ups and downs and tiring of the single parenting.
I knew I'd get to this point. Part of it is simply being able to have a taste of what's to come. The other part is just ordinary weariness. All of it though, needs to be laid down. Sometimes, amidst me fighting with my heavy load on my back, Steve will look at me and say, "Lay your burden down. Just lay it down." I don't know why I fight so hard sometimes especially when God tells me to lay it down. I feel like if I don't fight then I won't succeed or someone I love won't succeed.
I've got a lot of dreams. Those dreams are what have helped sustain me over these past three years. Now that things are starting to wind up, it's been interesting to see what God is doing with those dreams. I don't know the path He has for us. I don't know all of the details. But I do know that when we commit our path to the Lord, our plans succeed because they are His plans. So I'm trying to let go and see where He leads.
Whenever I'm on the edge of something in my life, I always mull it over, think of every detail and stress over it. It's hard not to. But truly, I need to just sit back and enjoy the ride. With the birth of every child I have done this. I've grown scared as their birth approached of all that could go wrong and about the unknowns of the little one inside. Every child that is but Nathan. With him, since I knew he was probably my last, I chose to believe that no matter what occurred when he was born, who he turned out to be or how the whole thing came off, I would enjoy it. I would simply enjoy the process and not worry (I can't say I never worried but, I didn't worry much which is saying a lot for me). His birth, and the recovery from his c-section was by far my best. I just enjoyed the process. And I've enjoyed his infancy the most of all my children.
That's what I want to do now. We've got one semester left. I know someday, when we're on the other side of this and big life decisions have already been made, that we'll look back on these days with fondness. I know it. Because God always directs our steps. Always. And even in difficulty, His plans are beautiful and oh so perfect.
Last night I told Steve I was ready. I was ready to let go of where we are now and to embrace what is to come. I'm ready. I'm ready to fly. I'm ready to enjoy the fruit of our labor and I'm ready to have him back in our lives on a regular basis. I'm ready for us to learn a new normal. I'm ready whatever it all means. These past years have brought much fruit and have been sweet. But I'm ready to put this all aside and to spring forth into something new.
We've worked so hard for this moment in time. I don't want to fritter it away in fretting. And I don't want to just get through.
I want to see it. I want to taste it. I want to bask in it. I want to live it.
I want to live it even if it's unknown. I simply just want to tangibly live it.