Regrouping

Regrouping.  That is the word round these parts.  There have been some things in the hopper here that were potentially life changing for us.  Lifechanging and downright exciting!  As of Friday, God made it clear that we weren't to travel that road, at least for now for reasons that were unexpected.

It's disappointing and discouraging.  However, whenever we step out for anything we know that no matter how good something might look, we want to follow God.  That takes faith.  A lot of faith!


I am a pessimist at heart.  When I first got married to Steve, the eternal optimist, I thought I was a realist.  As time has gone on, I've realized that no, I am a pessimist and that I truly need to work more on being optimistic.  Why?  Because God calls us to faith.  And that faith is what gives us hope.

The boys and I read parts of Matthew 9 this morning at the breakfast table and it tells how Jesus healed many.  Many were healed because of their faith.  They knew Christ could heal so they stepped out, went after Him and then were healed.  I want active faith like that.  I don't want to shrink back into my pessimism because I'm afraid.  I want to trust God like those people did.  God give me more faith!  

Over the weekend, I tried to cheerfully sift through the emotions that bubbled over in my heart.  And as I did, the same truths that have been with me since I was a child, kept coming to mind-

God loves me.

God never sleeps.

God knows what I need.

God is always faithful.

We've been here before.  And God always takes care of us.  It's not that the feelings of let down aren't real.  Or that we don't understand why God set us on that path in the first place.

But, BUT as God writes our story, we are aware that He knows what He is doing.

An oldie but goodie Caedmon's Call song has been speaking to my heart throughout this entire process- Lead of Love.

Looking back at the road so farThe journey's left its share of scarsMostly from leaving the narrow and straight
Looking back, it is clear to me thatA man is more than the sum of his deedsAnd how you make good of this mess I've madeIs a profound mystery
Looking back, you know you had to bring me throughAll that I was so afraid ofThough I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain viewLooking back, I see the lead of love.

In His Hands

There have been many things on my heart lately. They range from wondering about the future, worries over my children to relationships with others. And all of them have been magnified by us being half-way through the semester for Texas A&M. Half-way is always when I hit a wall, realize how long I've been sprinting and how much I need a rest.

As I've hit this point yet again, God has been renewing my mind over time, working with me and bringing me to the point of brokenness. I've also been reminded of many truths as I've been mulling over areas where I'm in sin that need repentance, things I need to let go of no matter how wrong I think they may be, and petitions that need to be laid at the cross.

God never sleeps. God carries me through every circumstance and He has the strength to carry me through every task He's given me to complete even if I don't know how I will actually get there.

So I need not fear.

And really, I'm very close to the top of this mountain (semester) and once on the other side, I'll be able to see the end. That's half the battle right there. The rest of my concerns will work themselves out over time. That's the beauty of time itself...it brings clarity and it heals.

As I wrote recently, difficulty isn't necessarily bad. It just feels that way sometimes. But it develops character, produces faith and gives hope.

Some of the chastisement and weariness I feel at this time, I deserve and some of it I don't. But either way, this I know for certain...

I'm in His hands.

He has me.

And that is enough.

In fact, it is everything and all the hope I need in the midst of my fears, worries and frustrations.

I'm in His hands.

In Your Hands
Bebo Norman

I didn't know how I'd love you when I looked into your eyes,
Now I have a heart, that cannot keep
And the greatest of fears, is that you'll leave me here
Stranded in this water, so deep.

So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hope, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain, it's just a common fear from a common man
But I'm in your hands.

Just so you know, I've never done this sort of thing before,
I've never given up my very soul,
But I have heard a voice, like none I've ever heard before,
And it's a voice that never grows old.

So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hope, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain, it's just a common fear from a common man
But I'm in your hands.

So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hope, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain, it's just a common fear from a common man
But I'm in your hands.
I'm in your hands.
I know, I'm in your hands.

Bebo Norman

A Little Conversation

Today, when Caleb came home from school, he told me his test verse was the "X" verse, "Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." John 3:3. I asked the precious boy if he knew what that meant. He said, "No." Isaac chimed in that it meant you needed to be a Christian. I then added that yes, one needed to be a Christian to see the Kingdom of God, which is heaven (at least in the simplest of terms). I asked Isaac, "Are you a Christian?" It was more of a rhetorical question/reminder; he is a Christian and always answers, "Yes!". I then moved onto Caleb who was sitting there thinking quite hard.

"Caleb are you a Christian?"

He looked puzzled and then answered slowly but stoutly, "Mom, I must not be a Christian, because I cannot see through the ceiling!!"

I died laughing. I couldn't help it! He thought he had to be able to see heaven right now!!

I then explained more of what it meant to be a Christian again and that we would see heaven when we died. That seemed to satisfy him enough and was once again reassured that yes, he was a Christian.

I love these little conversations I get to have with my boys. They totally crack me up and also inspire me to think bigger, to try and understand the Infinite I AM more, and to see that child-like faith is really true, unadulterated faith.

If I can be like them, like little children, I'll definitely be on the right track.

Man's Glory

I read something recently, over at Doug Wilson's blog, that just made my day. In fact, it straight up made me feel downright special. Because I know that my husband sees me this way. He lives it (despite my shortcomings). And I want my daughter to be this type of woman when she is grown; to be won and then to love and be loved in this way.

Doug wrote to fathers, as he often does, with respects to raising strong, capable, lovely, feminine daughters. I felt celebrated, valued and honored as a woman, made in God's image, to be the glory of man.

Check it out:

Caryatides and Their Glory

You won't be disappointed.

In Defense of Religion-Part 2

First of all, I started writing about this BEFORE the Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus video hit the Facebook "fan" so to speak, so this is not written in response. Just wanted to clarify-it's just a funny coincidence. That video has caused quite a stir and since I've not sat down to personally watch it myself (I've only read through the lyrics), I can't really comment too much on it. I think the young man's intentions were good but, I think he may have made some sweeping generalizations about "religion" that missed the point. God doesn't hate religion. He hates false religion-hearts that are fake. But anyhow, I said I wasn't going to comment too much. Secondly, it's nice to be back online. We had a bout of malware on our computer over the last week that took forever to get cleared up. However, after scanning our computer for two hours today, we are in the clear. I'm super thankful for accessible, downloadable software that can easily fix the problem. Yeah!!

And now back to our story...

One of the major things that came out of us learning about Reformed theology was a linking of our faith to the past. I love that non-denominational churches preach the Gospel and really emphasize God's love-this teaching led me to Christ as a child; but in general (yes, I'm speaking generally here), they don't focus much on church history. To me, it was like our faith existed in a vacuum. But that's just not true! The church has been around for centuries. And for good and bad, we began to feel convicted that there were really important things to learn about that history because it's part of where we come from.

So we began reading more about church reformers, early church fathers, later Puritans who were influential in America (like Jonathan Edwards) and various church practices/liturgies passed through the centuries. There is so much out there that we could never process through it all. But we did start to notice that there were many things present in historical Christian worship that we didn't know a thing about. One of these things was the basic creed. Creeds? I didn't even know what a creed was really. I had only heard of the Apostle's Creed because I had gone to Greek School as a little girl (and the Orthodox Church says this creed during their service) and the Nicean Creed, *crickets*. My best guess was that it was somehow connected to the Council of Nicea (which I had only vaguely heard about-it was a lucky guess though).

Intrigued, we started exploring why these things might be important to know about. And this is what we found. Various creeds written after different councils, like the Council of Nicea, iron out the concrete basics of our faith and they were written to defend and define the faith not distract from it. They were written that way for a reason. The early church repeated them in worship to remind themselves regularly of the basics of the Gospel. Creeds were meant to ground us in the basics-to bring us back to square one on a regular basis. For we are wayward creatures and need to be reminded-often. This began to make sense.

One thing that was particularly interesting to discover was that the earliest creeds are in the New Testament themselves. A few are Philippians 2:6-11, 1 Tim. 3:16 and 1 Corinthians 15:3-7. Here is one of the shorter ones-you can see how it succinctly reminds us of the basics of our faith:

"Great indeed, we confess, is the mystery of godliness: 'He was manifested in the flesh, vindicated by the Spirit, seen by angels, proclaimed among the nations, believed on in the world, taken up in glory.' " 1 Tim. 3:16

One of the ways we instruct our children is in the 3 D's for the Dauphins (we stole these from Doug Wilson's parenting books). "Don't disobey. Don't deceive. Don't disrespect." There's just three rules. We want it to be easy for them to remember and not be so burdensome. Those D's are their roadmap. In the same way, just as we instructs our children with easily digested instructions, these creeds point us in the way we should go...grounding us in the basics. And repeated regularly in worship, they bring us back to the heart of the Gospel again and again.

Now here's the caveat. Repeating the creeds don't save anyone or make anyone more holy. They are a means to an end. Our hearts are the issue. We want our hearts to be sincere. However, strangely enough, often I find that even when I'm most distracted by the children surrounding me in the pew or the worries of life, etc...that when I do still "go through the motions" and repeat the creeds in service or sing "The Lord's Prayer", the act of doing so still blesses me and brings me back to square one. They are an aid. They are instructive. And I believe they were meant to "help" our hearts focus on our reason for being at church-worship. I don't believe they are necessary to worship God, as in you must do it this way or you're wrong...they're simply helpful.

All of this is just my experience. And I truly respect those Christians who choose to keep these sorts of traditions out of their worship. I have just found them to be deeply meaningful and helpful to my faith in ways I never thought possible and thought I'd share.

More next time.

In Defense of Religion-Part 1

First off, I want to say that I am no theologian. That is not my aim here. This is only my experience, my story. But lately, I've been thinking about my faith journey that started as a child and how God has led me to this point in my life. I'm sure we have many more mountains to climb together but for all it's worth, this is where I've come from.

I grew up non-denominational. I do not regret my upbringing whatsoever. In fact, I have many fond memories of Sunday School, church musicals, Awana, Vacation Bible School, becoming a Christian when I was 5 and being baptized at 7. Even though the church I grew up in was non-denominational, it was pretty much Baptist without the title. I didn't know that until I was older. It was a Bible believing church that sang praise music and even hymns at times. It was contemporary and conservative all at the same time. It was home for me and it is where I learned what it meant to be a Christian.

My Junior High years were spent at another church just like it and those years were a bit more difficult for me. I waned, wandered and questioned who I was quite a bit. But one thing I always knew was that I loved God. I didn't always do the right thing (in fact I often made poor choices), but I knew I was wrong and I knew I needed to repent. By the time I got into my high school years, I returned to the church of my youth and my faith was strengthened greatly.

When I went off to Cal Poly, I knew what I wanted (besides getting a degree). I wanted to marry a Christian. Not just any nominal Christian. I wanted to marry a man who loved the Lord more than he loved me. I wanted him to be passionate about his faith and solid in his beliefs. When I met Steve, he blew the lid off of my expectations. He was even more than I had hoped for...he was the real deal and I couldn't believe he wanted me!!

His background was quite similar to mine. Yet, as the months went on in our relationship, he began learning things about Reformed theology that were difficult for me to understand at first. That's when our first conversations in this area began. And let me tell you, they weren't pretty. For some of the first times in my life, I was challenged to look at how we are saved. Are we saved because we made a decision to be saved or saved because God chose us? Who is the one acting...us or God? If we are dead in our sins, how can a dead person make themselves alive again? Only God can raise the dead. How can we choose God when the Bible clearly states that even our most righteous actions are like filthy rags in comparison to God's glory? These were conversations that we would have, both of us grappling with the implications the answers would have on our faith and our future. Often these conversations took place, in the car, at the end of a date night. They were hard for me to process but still, something kept my heart open to the ideas. And as time went on, I learned to trust Steve's leading as well.

John Calvin himself

Steve went a lot more willingly than I did to the reformed side for he is way less emotional and much more logical. He looked at the evidence and thought it was overwhelmingly in favor of God's sovereignty over man's choice (some of the very basics of Calvinism-Reformed Theology...Luther was a major Reformer as well and there were many others). I just didn't want to believe that maybe it was that way because if that were the case, it would change all that I had grown-up believing in. Not that it would totally undermine it but, it would just spin things in a completely different direction.

And a different direction it did...one that I could not foresee at all but would bless my life beyond measure.

Until next time.

PS: I am not attempting to start a huge argument about theology here. Sometimes these issues can cause people to get a bit huffy (I know, for I've been there). This is simply my story and I hope it blesses you for that is my intent.

A Little Series

I've been enjoying a series of articles written by Rachel Jankovic on the subject of homemaking and mothering. They are just too good not to pass on so I decided to give you all a series of links to check out if you so desire. Rachel writes in a very candid, real sort of way about the challenges we all face as mothers yet she does so without coddling. She's refreshing, challenging and very engaging. I hope you all enjoy them as much as I have. She's actually written a ton of articles. These are just a couple of her most recent ones. You can find the rest of them over at the Femina blog.

Ungraceful Parenting

Let's Get Specific

When the Milkshake Runs Low-My favorite

Potent Comfort

How Do We Love Thee? Let Me Count Some of the Ways...

It Has Begun...

Advent is here.

The waiting has begun. The short days and dark nights remind us of the darkness the world lay in before Christ came.

Creation was groaning for its Savior.

These weeks leading up to Christmas tell the Christmas story. It's cold. It's dark. We need the Light.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.

All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it....The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. John 1:1-5, 9

We remember that wait. We internalize it as best as we can. And we rejoice in the hope that comes in knowing that He did come. He did make a way for our salvation through His death on the cross.

It's time to remember. It's time to wait with great expectation. Soon enough, it will be time to celebrate.

Remember Who You Are

And Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself." Acts 2:38-39

It's Friday again...beloved Friday. The beginning of the weekend, when fun things happen. One of those happy activities is what the boys call "Cleaning Day". Before you all puke from disgust thinking my boys are begging to help me dust like good little children, hear me out...Cleaning Day for me, means a movie for them. Once they've done some things to help (I do require some work), I put on a little cinema to help pass the time while I mop and clean bathrooms. It's a win for me because I need the little hands occupied while I deal with the dirtier stuff and it's a win for them because it's usually been a bit since they watched a movie.

So...this morning they were watching the Lion King, courtesy of my parents (thanks guys!). First off, I know some people have problems with Disney films. I think most of them are fine...just my opinion. Yet there are some thematic things to deal with since their mantra is mostly about believing in yourself and all that garbage. If we believe in ourselves, we're pretty much headed for ruin...but I'm digressing. I think, as parents, we don't necessarily have to be scared of these themes. We can talk about them ya know. Our kids do have to live in the world. And there are some great stories in Disney films too!

Anyhoo, as I was mopping the floor, I was listening to a part in the movie where Rafiki, the baboon, was telling Simba not to run from his past but to remember his history...to remember his family...to remember who he was. His Dad had been the king, and his grandpa was the king before him, and so on. Simba needed to remember who he was...he was the rightful king even if he didn't think he was worthy of it. As the scene continued on, I started thinking about how it was a beautiful picture of the kind of faith heritage we're trying to leave to our children.

First of all, when I start talking about a faith heritage, some people automatically think that means that we're trying to save our kids with our faith. Hear this, both Steve and I don't believe that we can do anything to save our kids. That's God's work. But we will do everything we can to point them to Him. I think most Christian parents feel this way; it's just that we don't always go about it in the same way.

For us, we want their history, their story to be based on The Story, the Gospel, namely Christ. Everything possible, in our family, will be built upon that rock. We'll do our best to teach them how to pray, how to have faith, to sup at the Lord's Table, to study the Bible, to seek forgiveness when needed and most importantly the ins and outs of the Gospel. We won't hold them back because they're small. We want them to learn now what it means to be a Christian and we'll include them as much as we can in our worship. We're not going to wait to do that until we're positively sure they have faith. For we don't know that we'll ever be able to know that for certain. That's for God to decide. So that's what we're striving for at least, though we fail along the way. This is their faith history.

Now they were bringing even infants to him that he might touch them. And when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. But Jesus called them to him, saying, "Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. Luke 18:15-17

And then there is their actual, physical faith history. They come from a family that believes in Christ. Their grandparents believe (and generations before them) and have incredible faith; we, their parents, believe and we want to pass that faith on to them. Now when they grow up, they may wholeheartedly embrace that history as their own and again, that will be God's saving work or simply evidence that He already has saved them. Or they may walk away.

We can only pray that God will save them. And that if they do walk away, that God will chase them down. But for us and what we're responsible for, their history will be about believing. And if they do wander from the faith, you better believe we'll be there telling them, "Remember who you are. Remember where you come from. Remember your history." And we'll pray for them.

Of course now, when our children are small, they all say they believe (minus Elle that is). They all know why Jesus came and what He did. They all understand that they sin and are in need of grace. But I can't peer into their hearts. It's not up to me to judge their faith. It may not be as mature as mine, but Jesus Himself talks about the kingdom of God belonging to little children. And we all know that God does what He pleases. If He wants to save my kids at a young age, He can do it. I don't doubt that for second. So when they say they believe, I don't doubt it. And in the meantime, I can only water the seeds planted deep inside...it's up to God to make them grow.

"I [Paul] planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth." 1 Cor. 4:6,7

And that fruit will be apparent over time.

Remember who you are...

They are ours. And we, their parents, are Christians. They are growing up amidst a rich faith heritage. So we will do our best to fill their history up with Christ and trust God to do the rest.

Kinda Like a First

Something rather special occurred in our home this last Sunday night. Steve just happened to finish up his math assignment early on in the weekend so he was around more than usual. Because of this, we decided to take advantage of his bit of freedom to take Isaac out on a little Daddy date.

But this wasn't just any Daddy date. It was something we had been planning for a long time...a few months in fact.

On this special night, his Daddy took him out to ice cream to give him his first real Bible.

A few months ago, we started realizing that he still didn't have a complete Bible. Now that he can read pretty fluently, we thought it would be the right time to get him one. But where to look? Back in the day, before so much online shopping, one could just walk into their local Christian bookstore. But we don't have one in our area. So we were forced to look online. The only downside was that it's hard to get a feel for the style of the Bible without looking at it in person.

There weren't too many criteria but there were a few things we were dead set-on. It had to be a full Bible (not a shortened version) in the ESV (because that's the version we have and we wanted it to be the same for simplicity's sake). We also didn't want it to be too childish. We don't have anything wrong with kiddy pictures but we didn't want it too cartoony because hey, that's just our style.

We finally found one that got great reviews at Walmart for $16. Can you say score? Not only that but, it's put out by Desiring God Ministries (John Piper). And pretty much, my husband is in love with John Piper so...we were sold. All of the study notes throughout the Bible are written by them and so they are really well done. The pictures are realistic and not too silly either. Double win! Ha!

So back to Sunday. We'd already had an adventurous afternoon with Elliana in Urgent Care due to a cut on her cheek that needed gluing. We were all a tad tired. So we waited until it was time for everyone to go to bed. And then Steve announced, as Isaac was brushing his teeth, that he needed to put his clothes back on and come with him. He had a present in his hand. Isaac was dumbfounded. His brothers were heartbroken (but I had a little trick up my sleeve for them, so it worked out okay). And off they went.

In the meantime, I put Elliana down and then I broke out the last two cupcakes from Caleb's Reformation Day Party at school the Thursday before. All was forgotten and Joshua and Caleb were giggling over the gummy worms. I made Diet of Wermes Cupcakes in honor of Martin Luther's trial (Diet is the German word for trial; and this Diet/Trial was held in the city of Wermes, Germany).

Later Steve filled me in on their little time. They went to "Froster's"...Foster's Freeze that is and Steve gave him the Bible. Isaac was so, SO excited.

It was a special night that we'll always remember. It was kinda like a first. You see, we know of a family that took their sons through various "ceremonies" I guess you could call them, at different points of their lives. These ceremonies were intentional with the hope of teaching them how to become men who love the Lord. We've always wanted to emulate that.

So among many steps, this was just the first one. It was pretty special for us to have Steve take his firstborn son out, give him his first Bible and tell him how much it means to him and how it will teach Isaac how to live...to love God and love others.

Pretty special indeed.

Bless the Lord, O My Soul

This Psalm has always spoken to me. I can name numerous times at different points in my life that it has meant different things to me and spoken various truths to my heart. Right now, it's back at it filling my heart with strength, truth and beauty. This morning, around the breakfast table, the boys and I were talking about this passage because we were discussing how all of us sin yet God grants mercy amidst our mistakes...that is if we confess our sins and repent.

This isn't always our discussion, but for some reason, this morning, our conversation went there and this Psalm came to mind for I had been reading it again lately and drinking in its goodness. This Psalm beautifully illustrates our faith and how God saves us. It reminds me how far I've fallen and how far God has reached to save me, to revive my soul from death. As a busy mom, I don't always have time to really study anymore, at least not for any length of time. So instead, I just sit in a passage and let it wash over me. Throughout the day I can gulp it down, feeding on its nourishment as I go along. Psalm 103 is that for me again right now.

Just wanted to share it. It's just too good not to pass on.

Psalm 103

Bless the Lord, O my soul
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame,
he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its places knows it no more.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.

Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the Lord, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul.

Let Your Light So Shine

Yesterday I had an interesting experience at my pediatrician's office that I'm still trying to process through a bit. We were going in for Elliana's one year check-up and all of the usual happened. First of all, whenever I schlep my little troop around town we get a lot of attention. It doesn't bother me one bit. I mean, who can blame the onlookers? I've got four kids five and under. We are quite a sight. Plus the fact that I have three boys and then a girl ALWAYS makes for stares and comments. For the most part, people are really kind and even funny at times.

So back to yesterday. Everything was going along totally normal. Elliana's check-up was pretty brief and simple. After she had been checked out, our pediatrician, who I have a great relationship with, started shooting the breeze with me a bit since we had so much time left in our appointment. He asked me if I had ever seen the show Modern Family. I answered, "No." And so he proceeded to tell me all about it and how it is the funniest show to him because the families described on the show are exactly who he sees in his office every day.

Okay.....but then, he went on to say that our family is not the typical modern family and wanted to know why and what we were doing differently. He said, "Yet you're not like all of them. Tell me, why are you so different?" I was totally caught off guard. My first thought was to scream, "Because we're Christians!" But I know he already knows that. At least I think he does. He knows my husband teaches at a Christian school. And we've talked about church before. But he was really inquisitive. And I was all of the sudden stage fright. He went on and on about how we have a lot of kids but still seem to like them, are still married and seem to all enjoy one another which is pretty different than the typical family that walks into his office on a daily basis.

As he went on, I didn't know what to say. The first thing out of my mouth was that I had a good husband and that he sets the tone for our home. He then responded with, "I bet you do. That does make sense." After that, all I could do was just murmur that God had blessed us and that we try and do what's right (and fail miserably all the time). But I did feel like a failure when I walked out of there. Why didn't I have the courage to preach the gospel to our pediatrician right then and there? Why didn't I have a tract or something ready for him and his questions? Wouldn't that be what a good Christian would do? What kind of a Christian am I? I can't take the credit for anything going well in our family. It's all God's grace. And there's so much we need to work on that he doesn't see. He only sees us for small bits of time. And to be fair, I always make sure my kids have a snack to help them sit through the time!!

Afterward, we went through the rest of the appointment getting shots and getting Elliana's year old lab work done. During that time various other people came up to me with comments about all of my boys and the "little princess". One lady, with a twinkle in her eye said, "Four kids!! Good for you! I had five ya know." That comment made me smile.

On the way home, we got stuck in some major traffic and I had time to mull over the whole thing a bit more. I regretted not giving God more credit and lamented not speaking up more about my faith. As I was chiding myself, God whispered gently to my heart and a light bulb went off in my head. Sometimes I don't feel like I can do much for the gospel. I can't necessarily pick up and go overseas. I'm not preaching on the street corner or helping out at different ministries. My ministry is my husband, my kids and my home and that's fine with me! But, God reminded me, that what He's given me in my children and marriage is a literal banner of light, shouting at this hurting world. Wherever we go, His light can be shone just by us being His-by us being Christians.

I always thought we were the normal ones. I guess since I'm around so many people that have strong marriages and great kids, I tend to forget about the hurting world around me. There's so much brokenness. So much! I can't fix it. But I can take my kids to the store with me and we can show kindness. Sure someone might throw a tantrum but how do I handle it? There are people watching!! That doesn't mean I just do things "right" to put on a show-no, that's hypocrisy. But am I showing Christ to my kids in how I respond? Am I truly loving them with Christ's love? Because if I am, others will see HIM! And they'll know it's different.

God has given all of us different ways to shine His light. For some it is being a missionary to some unreached peoples. Others show love by visiting shut-ins or prisons. Others reach out to at-risk youth or help in various ministries. For me, right now, building into my family is the best way for Christ to shine. Our pastor always says that the world will be won for Christ around the dinner table.

I've always believed that. But I'm really starting to see how true that is. If we can just love our families, who can deny Him? It's SO drastically different from the world, it can't be us? It must be something SO MUCH greater!!

Be encouraged. Love your family. Pour into them all of who you are. And be in the world. In doing so, God will use your ordinary, every day life to broadcast to the world His shining light!

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16

Overcome

Sometimes I feel schizophrenic. On the one hand, I'm daily in the practice of merely dealing with the emergent in my little cosmos here. Eh...that scraped knee isn't so bad. Heck those hives can be taken care of with a couple of days of Benadryl. And the list drones on. Everyday hundreds of little situations are passing through my filter and I have to learn to deal with that overload and not get too emotionally worked up about every single circumstance. This is motherhood. How tough can I be? But with that state of being can also come the ability to shut out everything that is scary and emotional-to become calloused, for fear of being overcome.

A few months ago we watched a documentary on 9-11 titled, 9/11. To be honest, I put off watching it for days because I knew I couldn't handle it. I just knew it. This documentary was done by mere amateurs, Jules and Gedeon Naudet (brothers), who were trying to make a documentary on a rookie fireman in New York City. They happened to be filming that fateful day and were the only ones who were inside the Twin Towers getting raw footage. And that's what it was-raw footage. It hurt-bad and I have no connection with that horrific event. I simply am an American and I'm human. As I watched, it disturbed my soul to hear bodies literally dropping and hitting the ground from 80 floors up. Bang! Bang! It was almost too much for me to bear. Bang! When we finally did watch it, I snuggled close to Steve and braced myself to deal with the reality of this horrific event in our history. For I can't simply hide from all that is real. These stories are there and must told. They also must be heard. And when I do hear these stories, it's inevitable...I am human, so I will be overcome.

Today I ran across a blog written by a mother who just recently lost her firstborn due to meningitis brought on by the common flu. Her Dad is our dentist and my sister-in-law's family is friends of their family from church. I've never met this mother. I've only heard about her from her Dad as he would update me on his many children and grandchildren while cleaning my teeth. But her daughter who passed away is the same age as Isaac. And I've often thought about her. How she must be reeling. How she must still be in shock. How missing her daughter must make it hard to breathe-to live. I've avoided the dentist even though we're due for a simple cleaning because I don't know what to say. I don't want to say empty words. But if I do more than that, I'll be overcome.

Overcome.

I feel like despair is all around sometimes. Japan, Haiti, Lebanon, the global economic crisis, cancer, hunger...fill in the blank. Life poses much difficulty and there is always sorrow. Yet, if I allow myself to be swallowed up by such sorrow then I succumb to defeat. But if I don't allow myself to imagine the pain, to take on others' burdens, to be overcome by sorrow at times for others or for myself even, then I'm denying the beauty that God brings amidst death and suffering.

Literal schizophrenia. How do I delineate the emotions?

Recently our pastor gave a sermon on how death opens the way for life. "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24 He preached hope to all of us fallen that death is not the end. I repeat-death is NOT the end. Death brings life. And in that there is hope. This hope breathes life and is the catalyst for all that we believe.

" 'Death is swallowed up in victory.' O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" 1 Corinthians 15:55

This reminds me of Christ. In a few weeks we will celebrate Easter which, in my opinion, is the most important holiday on the church calendar. Christ was overcome. But His death was the single, most victorious event in all of human history. It's a story begging to be told. It's a story that must be heard. When I put myself into that story and share in all that The Passion entails, I am overcome. Overcome by the emotions, the sorrow, the utter difficulties and the shame. But when I allow myself to feel, to really feel those emotions, I get to better understand the triumph, the victory-the hope.

Endings produce new beginnings.

Death brings new life.

Sin has been overcome by Christ on the cross and there is freedom from the despair that encircles us.

I don't have to face it alone. I must be real and I must allow myself to face despair. But I don't have to be afraid that the despair will consume me. For Christ has already defeated it.

It's a new beginning.

And instead I can be overcome by hope. Not a hope that is conjured up inside of me for I am ephemeral--a mere mist, and have a well that will run dry. But hope that is found in the heart of Christ and his victory. Loving others involves risk. Mothering requires being tough and tender. I'm thankful for Christ. His life, his death, simply who He is, give me hope to face all the sorrow and joy around.

If I am overcome by Christ then I can wade through this life with my eyes heavenward.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..." 1 Peter 1:3