There are all sorts of blog thoughts swirling in my head but I simply have not had the time or the wherewithal to get them down. Yes, there will be more on baptism coming...I've started but haven't finished the next post on that. Sometimes it can be hard to find time to turn off all of the other distractions to actually write an intellectual post. Hmmm...I'm not really sure why. Anyhoo, the last few weeks have been a bit crazy. I guess I shouldn't say a bit- they've been a lot crazy.
It all started with Joshua's asthma flare-up and him needing breathing treatments numerous times a day (quite a feat to conquer with a VERY busy two year old...good thing we require first time obedience or I would've been up a creek) and then his birthday followed with all its fanfare. Elliana is a great baby but keeping up with her needs can be time consuming as she still is an infant you know. Steve's grad school class has proven to be quite burly and has required much attention on his part. A midterm, two projects and various quizzes have all forced him to be studying elsewhere for large chunks of time. I don't know why he doesn't study well here. Ha ha! This class will probably be one of the hardest ones he'll face in his pursuit of becoming a Master of Mathematics. In layman's terms, he's learning the proofs behind how computers/calculators do math. Don't ask me to explain it. It's all Greek to me. Good thing it's fascinating to him. These things, a few other situations and just keeping up with life in general have sent me into a sort of mini panic. Hyperventilation if I'm being totally honest.
Luckily I have good friends and I also have running shoes. I've been back to running for awhile now but these last few weeks I've definitely been clocking in the miles. Feels good though and helps keep me sane. The husband knows to let me go when I ask. Over the years, he's come to understand it helps me deal with stress.
I'm no stranger to stress. None of us are. I don't always show it on the outside and really, what that boils down to is pride and a stubborn will that says, "I can do it myself!" I tend to make it sound better by calling my individualism American but really, it's pride and it's a pride that destroys rather than builds. And to make matters worse I sound like my two-year-old whose most common phrase these days is, "I do it." I just say it with euphemistic words that are all grown-up like, "No really, I'm okay. I'm fine." Yet inside I feel like I might burst any minute and let out a fountain of tears.
Yet, really it's all relative. The problem isn't my circumstances because I've felt this way before in all sorts of different situations and life stages. I felt stress while I would study for exams in the dorms or stay up all night writing a paper knowing how badly I wanted that A. I felt it numerous times when I got married and had to learn to be a wife which required me to think much more about someone else rather than myself. I felt it when I brought my first-born home from the hospital, and my second and my third and my fourth...you get the point. It doesn't matter what stage of life I'm in, I am still susceptible to and experience stress. You know, the kind that weighs on your chest and slowly suffocates you if you can't find a way to relieve the pressure.
If stress is a part of life, then what am I meant to learn in it? Obviously something since these periods cycle in and out like the seasons. Usually I just want out. I want someone to burst the bubble and make everything feel better again. But that's not the solution. Recognizing I need help is the first step toward decompression but sadly enough, almost always one of the last places I turn. One morning last week this Psalm came through my reading and reminded me that when I am overwhelmed, I need to seek help from the One who is always watching and never needs a break-the Maker of Heaven and Earth. For He won't let me fall.
I lift up my eyes to the hills
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber
Behold, he who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is your keeper,
The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all evil,
He will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
Your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forevermore.