Make Them Work

One of the things that irks me the most is when my children fight. I just love each of them so much and want them to love each other!! A lot of the time they do but, like all of us know, sibling fighting and rivalry is as old as sin so it's not that I don't expect it to happen. I do. But nothing bends me all out of shape faster. If I find myself needing to take a few minutes to myself on any given morning, it's usually because my children have been bickering at each other and I've been playing referee.

Most of the time, the older two play pretty well together as they've learned their rhythm and they've been corrected enough times to know the rules of engagement and how they're expected to treat one another-with respect. However, throwing their two-year-old brother in there always adds some spice. And the middle one and his little brother, the aforementioned two-year-old, still have some kinks to work out if you know what I mean. It's all learning but it still can get tiresome for all parties involved.

Some days, like today, are just one of those days when everyone seems to have woken up a bit grumpy. Maybe it's because Joshua has a really high fever and has been walking around in a stupor or because their baby sister woke them all up before 7 am and due to vacation, they've been rolling out of bed much later than that! I don't know. But everyone was in rare form, including their mom, and it was just one of those mornings. And really, there doesn't have to be a reason. Sin is sin and my little people are just as prone to it as I am. They're just not as good at hiding it (which is probably a good thing!).

So after some scuffles and tears, I felt like I was starting to get angry. Not really at anyone, but just at everything. That's when I knew, I needed to change strategies. I read an idea somewhere along the way in this parenting journey we're on, that really intrigued me regarding a discipline tactic. Although the usual rules were definitely still in order, I remembered this technique and thought I'd give it a shot. I've used it before and it worked like a champ. Yet, I had forgotten about it for awhile so, it had been sometime since I had last called upon its merits.

And I was reminded again how genius it is. Make them work. If you can't play nicely, you don't play-you work.

I'm happy to report that I know have newly vacuumed floors. All the recycling has been done and they barely missed having to help mop the floor. Now all of these things are chores they'd have to help with anyway at some point but, they had to stop mid-play and work which is NEVER fun. When I first heard of this idea, I read about a father who would make his girls mop every time they did such and such (fill in the blank) and that some days the floor would get mopped multiple times. How brilliant is that? Mom stops playing referee. The children learn to get along. And the house gets clean in the process which puts Mom into an even better mood because she didn't have to do it!

Not bad. And lucky for me, my kids are finally getting a bit older to where this sort of thing actually works and they really do clean (rather than making a bigger mess than when they started). Somehow sharing your train suddenly becomes much more appealing than sorting trash.

Gratefully, they made it through without having to do too much forced labor and moved onto other things like spy work and saving this adorable damsel in distress (the boys insisted Elliana wear her Halloween outfit while they were "saving" her).

I'm not saying my house is all squeaky clean but, some things got done and most importantly, some attitudes, including mine, got cleaned up in the process. Now, that's my idea of some progress.

Obsessions

I recently read an article that piqued my interest. It came to me via one of my free subscriptions in a little pamphlet titled, "No Greater Joy" and was written by Debi Pearl.

Just an aside, this publication and ministry can be controversial at times. So just so you know, I'm not here to endorse their style of parenting. I'm just here to tell you about the article. Some of the things I've read from this ministry have been really helpful and other things have not. So there. Glad I got that out of the way.

Back to the article. It is titled, Obsessions, and is all about men having obsessive tendencies. Let me whet your appetite.

"Let's face it: most men are given to obsessions, for even if they are good obsessions they are still obsessions...Some men like to fix up cars...Some men are into hunting and fishing...And then there are those men who just like to work. Work is a sport, work is a challenge, work is fun...I am sure there are thousands of other strange things that capture the minds and hearts of men. It is not as if your man has a disease and is abnormal. Almost every male I know is or has at some time been afflicted with this obsessive-compulsive disorder. The big question is how we, as stable, hard working, family-committed wives, respond to what feels to us like an unhealthy imbalance." She's speaking of "normal" obsessions here, not of sinful ones like pornography, by the way.

After that quote, she had me hooked. Men in general are obsessive by nature? I thought it was only MY man who was that way. I had no idea. For example: my husband is obsessed with football (especially the 49ers) and I mean obsessed. He knows just about every player on any team and he knows all sorts of random facts about each one. When he finds something he likes, he does it over and over and over again because, well he likes it. Sounds logical-to him at least.

Some of his obsessions are great like his love for Math and puzzles. Yet some are not great in my humble opinion. His sometimes obsession with video games...not so helpful. Good thing that is a thing mostly of the past. It rears its head now and again and I hold my breath until it passes. But I always just thought that my husband had the personality for being obsessive about things and that it was just who he was. I didn't realize that it was simply characteristic of men in general. The more she talked about it, the more I saw it. Men aren't all obsessive about the same things but, it does seem to be the way they're wired. And the more I thought about it, the more I relaxed.

So that got me thinking. So what?! Hearing somebody else say this put it all into perspective for me. I've often wondered about my husband's obsessions and I must admit I haven't always understood them. And sometimes I've been plain jealous of them. Why? Because they distract from poor little me...you know, me the one who wants attention all the time. Yep. And if they're distracting him from giving me attention, then they must be horrible, in fact even sinful at times. Ooooooooooohhhhhh....I better be his Holy Spirit and show him his follies. Because you know, he needs me and all. Am I not his helper?

This attitude is BAD. And you better believe there have been many times I've played the martyr acting like I'm so much better because I'm not given to fancies such as Sodoku puzzles (or the latest fad). But my husband's obsessions are what make him good at what he does contributing to him being a good provider and father. For example: I can't build anything to save my life. Yet my husband is incredibly good at fixing things, seeing how things fit together and building things, even if it's out of tinker toys. His obsession with logic puzzles help him in this area.

So what do we women do? If it's how they're made, they're not going to change. Debi makes a few suggestions that I thought were helpful. She suggests joining him as best as you can in his obsessions. Or if that simply won't work, she suggests finding a few of your own/or simply doing something else. I started thinking about it and you know, she's right. I really am not jealous of football. But that's probably because I've tried to join my hubby in his love for the sport by watching games with him and hearing about the latest news. This one was easy for me because I already had a natural inclination toward football even before I met him. But still, I've embraced his football-ness wholeheartedly (including season tickets to the 49ers-mostly that hurt my pocketbook which if you remember...I'm cheap so I really had to concede here). However, there are other obsessions he has that I just cannot share, like logic puzzles. I just don't think that way and I never will. So I've tried to do other things while he's in his mathy land...I read, bake, run and write. But I admit it, sometimes I nag him to do something else more "productive." Shame on me!

It's hard not to take these obsessions personally. It's easy to think they are tuning us out because they just don't want to be with us, which hurts a woman's relational pride in a big way. But if that's all they are, if they're really just being men, just being themselves, then are these obsessions really all that bad? Are they worth being all upset about? And really, do we really want our husbands to change? And if we do, what do we want that change to look like? Do we want our men to look more like us, like women? If you really think about it...No! We want them to be who they are. That's what attracted us to them in the first place, the fact that they weren't like us. We want them to be strong, silent (well not too, too silent), diligent, capable and rough.

We want them to be the mystery that they are.

For mystery is at the heart of marriage.

God even said it himself through Paul in Ephesians 5: 31-32

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church."

So I guess we can conclude this. Our husband's obsessions can be a mystery to us. But we can leave them at that. I guess that's the way it should be. We don't have to understand them but we must respect them. For they are a huge part of the man that we have been called to love, cherish and respect for the rest of our lives. And it's much easier to go with the grain than go against it.

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:33

Easier said than done. I need to learn how to do this. But it's worth a try. Definitely worth a try.

Budding Artist

My dear oldest child drew this for Steve and me a few days ago. When he handed it to his Dad he nonchalantly added, "That's you and Mom when you got married." Holding in his laughter, Steve ran to the back to show me the picture and he and I died laughing together while we studied the details.

Then we both looked at each other and said, "Who's who?"

Well, can you tell?

We had to ask him.

What is your guess?

Doesn't it look just like us almost nine years ago?

Yep...just about right.

I love that kid.

Ten Questions for New Year's Eve

The years seem to fly faster now. I wish they would slow down. I'll be thirty in three precious months and I'll officially kiss my twenties good-bye. I have four kids now. I never knew I'd have four children by the time I was thirty. But as crazy as it sounds to me, it's true.

Now that we have a bunch of small kids, it makes it much more difficult to get out and "party" on New Year's Eve. Not that we were major partiers before but we'd at least hang out with friends and bang pots or something. And when we do try and plan something with our friends who have little kids, the plans usually are canceled due to sick children (which are extremely common this time of year).

Therefore, I'm proposing a new tradition this year. Since it's just the hubby and I anyway, we're going to go out with a bang...by ourselves. But at least they'll be good conversation, some whiskey for the husband and a bit of light Moose Tracks ice cream for me (if you know me well, yes it's still in a half cup).

Here are 10 Questions to ask on New Year's Eve:

1. What is the thing you're most grateful for from this last year?

2. What is something you would change from this last year?

3. What is the most unexpected thing that happened this last year?

4. Name each child and at least one thing they accomplished that you're proud of from this last year.

5. What area of our marriage improved over the last year? What still needs improvement?

6. If you could name one place to vacation this next year, what would it be and why?

7. How could you improve in your work over this next year?

8. How could you improve in our marriage over this next year?

9. How could you improve as a parent over this next year?

10. What are you most looking forward to over this next year?

Or make up your own. I just wrote these up real quick as something to do tonight. But be creative!!

Happy New Year!

Christmas Aftermath

Well, it's been busy around these parts which is the main reason for my silence. We've partied hard, celebrated like crazy, and are now enjoying a much quieter week at home. We were supposed to head up to the Lake Tahoe area for a fun trip to the snow with some friends but, alas the stomach flu caught our friends thus putting a halt to our trip before it even began. It was sad. But truth be told, I wasn't ready to go (I was trying to be ready but simply wasn't due to Christmas) and so, I guess it all worked out in the end.

Christmas was a whopper this year. We had planned to make things a bit mellow since our kids already have a lot of toys. However, a couple of things fell together and after some stewing, we determined it would be prudent (yes, I said prudent) to go out and get the kids some other gifts. They ended up being great additions.

This was the first year that Steve and I both felt we could walk through a toy store and really think about what might bless each child. It was really fun. We took the night off from the boys by leaving them with Steve's parents and just had Elliana in tow. And then we went shopping with the night before us. We had a great time picking out stuff.

It really is true that gift giving is as much fun, if not more, for the gift giver than for the receiver. Christmas was a push this year but it was a blessing for us to give abundantly. Our hearts were full as we thought about each child. Super fun and unexpected. I don't think Steve and I have ever had such a fun Christmas with our little family.

One of my friends told me that every year her in-laws put aside a little bit of money each month into a Christmas fund and then every December they empty it. That's right...the whole, entire thing and fill their family up with good things. How fun is that? Maybe next year.

Now it's the clean-up. Which at first glance, the clean-up can seem like such a chore. But really, God has been good to us. We've been blessed abundantly. So the clean-up is a blessing as well. Not that it isn't a bit stressful. But it's still a blessing...wrapping paper and all.

These are signs of life. Signs of laughter, family, joy, celebration and cheer.

Christ came. He came as a baby.

He came for us.

We've waited with great expectation through Advent and now we've celebrated like crazy with feasts, presents and extended family.

Now we rest, clean-up and bask in God's blessings as He brings in a New Year.

We're on Vacation!!

Steve turned in his grades this morning so we're home free. Today has been such a relaxed and wonderful day!

We've needed this time badly and it has arrived!

We're making fun messes (this was done while I was on the phone this evening). I had to laugh when I realized they had unraveled an entire thing of ribbon. Good thing it's just the cheap stuff and that I have a ton of it. Not really a big deal. They tied all the kitchen chairs together as well as some poor, innocent, stuffed animals! Ha!

We've watched some football. Since we don't have TV, whatever football Steve can catch, has to be done via the computer. Isaac is hooked. Look at him. He's hooked people...hooked. 49ers game online. They're not doing well, but he's still a fan. He's successfully indoctrinated and we're proud of it!

Intense!!

Lil Miss Elle here has discovered, about two weeks ago now, how to sit up all on her own. So she's been playing up a storm with her brothers and their toys. Even she likes Lightning McQueen. She'll be six months on Christmas Day!

And about two weeks ago as well, Caleb got his turn to go with Steve to a 49er game. Luckily, they won that one. And these two had a blast.

Posin'.

Gotta start 'em young. Even though they haven't done so well this season, we still love them. Go Niners!!

Enjoy your family time!

Gifts

But King David said to Onan, "No, but I will buy them for the full price. I will not take for the Lord what is yours, nor offer burnt offerings that cost me nothing." 1 Chronicles 21:24

So, I've been thinking a lot about Christmas for obvious reasons. I still have a bit of shopping to do but a lot of it has been taken care of already. I'm still trying to get into the groove of how much to buy my kids and what to buy my kids. We want to bless them abundantly because they're ours. But we also don't want to spoil them and we already have a lot of toys. So, I've definitely been pondering that. I've also been stewing about some other aspects of gift giving that might be a bit unconventional.

Christmas every year is always a stretch financially. Isn't it for most of us? If we had all the money in the world, it might be easy (financially anyway) but then Christmas wouldn't be about giving. It'd be about distributing. It's not that we don't have money, it's that we have to decide how much we can afford to spend. And that is good and wise. But sometimes I feel like I get to the point of being too frugal. I'm thinking much more about the cost than about the gift itself. And I justify it by reminding myself I'm being practical and all. But when it comes down to it, I'm really being a hoarder. I'm being greedy. I have money. I just want to spend the least amount possible to be able to save the rest for myself. In essence, I want to give gifts that didn't cost me anything.

Now hang with me. I'm not saying it's bad to get gifts on sale. Nor am I talking about people who are truly financially strapped and can't afford much more than some oranges in their kids' stockings. But most of us, if we're being honest, don't fall into that category. And I'm not talking about putting it on the credit card either because I think that's unwise too. Hear me. We live on a single teacher's income in California and we still don't fall into that category. Most of us can afford to give to our families and those around us something at Christmas time. And that giving should cost us. It should push us. Really, we should give to the point of it hurting. That may look like a lot for some and a little for others. But that's because I'm not talking about the price of the gift, but rather the cost-the cost to us personally that it took to give. Because really, that's what giving is.

There have been many times this Christmas season that I've wanted to hold back and just go with the bare minimum because that's what is natural for me. I'm not naturally giving. And every time that daunting phrase, "I'm not going to give something that didn't cost me anything" pops into my head and whips me into shape. I can't escape it for some reason and it's really been teaching me that my giving should hurt. It should be a stretch. It should cost me.

The reason I think is because of what Christmas stands for in the first place. God gave us Jesus, his ONLY Son, and He didn't do it half-way. He didn't look down at the earth and say, "Hmmmm...maybe I'll only send Him for a little while or, how can I still save them without giving up my most beloved possession-my Son?" No, God gave to the point of it hurting-literally even, for us by giving us Christ. And Christ, when He went to the cross, gave in that same manner. He gave his life, for us. It cost God everything. Everything. He didn't hold back. He did that so that we could become children of God.

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." 1 John 3:1

I think, when it comes down to it, that I don't want to give in this way because I'm fearful. I'm afraid that if I give too much, I'll be wanting in the future. But God says it doesn't work that way anyway. "Honor the Lord with your wealth and with the firstfruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine." Proverbs 3:9-10 I definitely shouldn't give to get but I also shouldn't worry that my giving unto the Lord is going to make me destitute. It's mysterious how it works out but I have to learn to give my utmost and let God take care of the rest. It's good to save and good to be wise. But in the end, I can't take anything with me anyway.

So Christmas is about giving. We hear that all the time. But it's not just about giving anything. It's about really sacrificing to give. I don't think we should feel bad about that. If it's hurting, we're probably heading in the right direction. Not that we should borrow money to give or give big expensive gifts just to show how well off we are. Our gifts should simply reflect how much it really cost us to bless the other person, whatever they are.

I think, when we can get ourselves there, then we're headed in the right direction.

I have a long way to go on that journey. A long way. But here's to trying to put one foot in front of the other. Lord willing, I'll have many more Christmases to practice.